avocado8

Less Than Coherent, More Than a Little Depressed

What I want right now is a box of See's chocolates, to sit here in bed and drown my sorrows in sugar. I probably shouldn't be blogging in this state. I'm exhausted, I'm despondent, and I'm VERY pregnant—a bad enough combination without adding to the mix the fact that I haven't had time to process what happened last night, to think less emotionally about what it means to me, to us as a (soon-to-be-expanding) family, to us as Americans. To ALL OF US as Americans. In short, I have not had time to hyperanalyze the situation, as my sister would say, using the same tone that my mom used to say "Lori, stop being so precocious" when I was little. So what will follow are some random, less-than-coherent thoughs that are mostly fueled by the four super-sweet, not-nearly-as-good-as-See's chocolate creams that I was able to find at the bottom of my backpack next to the bed.

In case it doesn't come through in this blog, I am the kind of person who usually tries to see the bright side of everything. I am a person who will criticize and vilify...until others start to pile on, at which point I will start to argue that perhaps we don't know the whole story, that we should give this villian the benefit of the doubt, that there's room for different viewpoints, that it does no good to hate. I am trying very hard right now to see the bright side. I am trying very hard to understand where 51% of the country is coming from, and whether we can, in fact, get along.

I said to Al the other day that I thought that the country was so divided that—as much as I wanted to preserve the state of the union—perhaps it was time to at least entertain the idea of splitting into separate countries. Al replied, "I think we [and I think here he meant those in the reality-based community] should just all move to California." "Oh," I said. "I was thinking that we'd be the ones to stay. I had this idea that we were the ones who were upholding the Constitution as envisioned by the founding fathers, the ones who wanted to practice religion freely and yet maintain the separation of church and state, the ones who believe it's possible to have a just, moral society without imposing our personal morals on others. We would stay the United States of America." I can be so naive sometimes.

There are also moments when I can be practical and clear-thinking. For example, while all the pundits were saying that the massive voter turnout boded well for Kerry because "people don't stand in line to vote for more of the same," I was busy panicking—because I was thinking of all the social conservatives the Republicans had mobilized, all the people who might not be voting for Bush but rather for their way of life, all the people who hadn't bothered to vote in 2000 and then had to listen to liberals whine for four years about how the election had been stolen, all the people who were thinking, "not this time! This time we're going to make sure we protect our values and make it clear what this country is all about." I was thinking that while a high turnout in heavily Democratic Philadelphia was a GREAT sign, the liberals didn't have a monopoly on anger, and that people outside of the big, coastal cities *would* stand in line to keep the status quo—or to move the country even further to the right.

Last night, as it became obvious that things were not going our way, I started to despair. I was thinking that I wasn't sure I wanted to stay in a country that could not only support this administration and its policies by voting directly for Bush, but also support it by proxy, by voting for more Republican senators and congressmen. I was thinking about where we could go, where in the world would be safe with Bush and the Republicans leading the world's only remaining superpower, when my brother-in-law popped into my head, and I actually started to cry.

I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law, whom I love despite our political differences (he once voted for Buchanan, if that gives you an idea), has at least some respect and affection for me as his wife's sister. And yet, as I thought about voicing this thought about leaving the country at the baby shower my sister is throwing for us this weekend at her home, I could hear him saying, "good, go." It made me very, very sad. It still does.

This morning Al and I were talking about how incredulous we were that 51% of the country could support this president and his agenda. His approval ratings are below 50%! How could people still vote for him? "I don't think they were voting for Bush, or even on the issues..." Al began, but I interrupted him. "Yes they were," I said. "I think they were very much voting on the issues: abortion, gay marriage, gun control, Iraq. We can't assume that people who don't agree with us aren't thinking logically, or aren't voting on the issues. But as far as voting for Bush... I think while we—okay, maybe just I—were busy counting up the votes for Not Bush and thinking blowout, a bunch of people in this country were voting for Not Kerry. Nobody ever talked about the Not Kerry option, but it had to be there. You gotta figure the prospect of a Kerry presidency scared some people more than the prospect of another four years of Bush."

Right now I'm not thinking so much of moving to Canada or South Korea or Sweden, but I am wondering how we're going to get through the next four years as Americans if these election results hold up (or even if they don't). I am scared to death not so much of having a complete goober in the oval office for another four years as I am of what said goober, who saw a 500,000 popular-vote loss as a mandate for his right-wing agenda in 2000, will do with a 3 million vote margin of victory.

My only hope is—and I actually prayed about this last night—that if Bush does go all right-wing agenda on us, that it will lead to some dramatic change in this country. Whether it leads to a backlash that sweeps Democrats into office in 2008, or to the creation of a third (or even a fourth) political party that's neither union/socialist liberal nor religious conservative, or even to an actual split of the US into two countries, I hope that a second Bush term can produce something positive, however unintentionally. Heck, it might even make us coastal liberals decide to sit down with the middle-of-the-country conservatives and try to figure out what we have in common, how we can move forward together without regard to Bush at all. Wouldn't that be fun, to come together as a people, and cut the President out of the loop?

OK, I know, the naivité is creeping in again...but so is the hope. I need some more chocolate.