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I'm Just Antisocial

Eson asked in a comment on the shoes post, "what is this BlogHer that you and others talk so much about, and why not want to go?", and I was in the middle of replying to the comment when I decided that really, this demanded an entire post.

BlogHer is a conference for women bloggers (though men are of course invited, too). The idea is to get together and talk about blogging, learn from each other's experiences, get some technical tips, and, probably most importantly, meet the bloggers we read. I obviously do want to go—I signed up and paid for the conference, after all—but I'm just feeling a little freaked about about having to socialize. I usually manage OK when I get out in social situations (well, most of the time), but I get all angsty and stressed out ahead of any social event, and I usually have to be shoved out the door and locked out of the house so I don't just put on my jammies and crawl into bed.

If my dear friend and former roommate of five years, Pat, were still alive, she could testify to how many times she put a boot to my back and forced me out of our Arlington, VA apartment (and also how many times she heard me whine from the other side of the door, "oh, ohkaaaay. I guess I'll go have a good time.") For the record, I usually *did* have a good time, but that fact never decreased my anxiety or reluctance to leave the house. Heck, half the time I didn't socialize at all while out; I'd just listen to the band and try to preserve a bubble of personal space around me. Knowing that I didn't really have to talk to anyone also didn't decrease the anxiety, though, so you can imagine what knowing that I really do have to talk to people (if I want to get my money's worth, and if my stated main reason for wanting to go to BlogHer—to meet the bloggers I read—is really true) at BlogHer is doing to me.

I wasn't kidding when I said that there were probably zillions of other introverts who signed up for BlogHer in a moment of self-delusion. I actually think there are tons of us. In fact, I think that blogging probably appeals most to people who have an internal monologue going all the time, but who don't necessarily want to talk to other people (or who don't particularly like other people most of the time). I bet I'm not the only one who'd rather send an e-mail than pick up the phone (and who answers phone messages with e-mails whenever possible).

Also, I think that even many of the blog celebrities wonder whether anyone will really like them in person (or, if they're at least sure of their audience's adoration, they may wonder *why* everyone really likes them). I don't know if this is a woman thing or a blogger thing, or whether it's neither, or perhaps both (maybe this is something we can talk about while drinking around the hotel pool), but I suspect we're all of us a bit nervous. Maybe everyone else is nervous for different reasons than I am, but I suspect they're nervous nonetheless.

Me, I'm nervous for all the reasons I outlined in the BlogHer Panic Sets In post (though to be honest, I've been feeling pretty good in the body image department lately, and anyone who thinks my ass is fat or my hair is dorky can go to hell but please don't stare at the zits adjacent to my approaching-middle-age wrinkles), and for a few that I didn't mention in that post, namely:

1. If I drink at the evening cocktail parties, will I get drunk and feel crappy and then waste an entire day of the conference with day-after depression? (This is one of the reasons I rarely drink anymore: the next day depression can be CRUSHING.)
2. If I just have a glass of wine or a foofoo cocktail, will it throw my body into sugar shock and make me irritable (and once again a slave to sugar cravings)? I don't want to go back to that.
3. Will the cocktail parties by the pool be any fun if I don't drink?
4. Will I spend the cocktail parties by the pool fruitlessly trying to chat up people who look more lonely and lost than I do, being shrugged off by interesting people, and then just going back to my room to call Al, as I did at DevCon in 2002?
5. Will I be able to glean any useful information for a project at work/take any useful notes for said project and still be able to interact with other BlogHers? This worries me because I want to strike the right balance between work and play. What if I spend so much time taking notes that I don't actually participate? (This is my usual MO: Blog about or photograph the proceedings rather than participate in them.) Or, less likely, what if I'm having such a good time whooping it up with my new BlogHer friends that I don't collect any useful info for work?
6. Is the 6:30am flight to SFO, followed by a full day in the office, followed by a two-hour Caltrain ride to San Jose, followed by two days of BlogHer, followed by a 7:30am flight from SJC back to Philadelphia (via Denver, I think) overambitious? Am I going to be too exhausted to do anything fun while I'm at the conference, or worse, to handle work/home responsibilities when I get back?
7. Am I going to miss anything fun on Thursday night, while I'm riding the Caltrain down to SJC? (This concern is probably laughable, given all my other concerns about being social. :)

So there they are: my anxieties laid bare. Incidentally, I think this will be the first conference I've attended in a long, long time where I was not speaking in at least one session. Although I've gotten quite good at giving technical presentations on subjects I'm passionate about, I'm glad I don't have to deal with the feedback from the audience, both immediate (I had a woman cry in a JavaScript course I was giving once) and after the fact (I tend to take the comment forms to heart). I do feel like something's missing, however, knowing I don't have to get all my PowerPoint slides (or, more likely, my HTML facsimilies of PowerPoint slides) and handouts in order before I go. I just have to make sure I have all the computer equipment I need for that day in the office, plus my camera, memory cards, power cables, extra batteries, etc. Egads, add another anxiety: how am I going to fit all that crap into my backpack?