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Why I Will Not Be Real-Time Blogging Today

I will not be real-time blogging today, a la amalah, because, although real-time blogging is often hi-fucking-larious, it will in no way calm me down, help me pack, or prepare me for BlogHer. Trust me: Real-time blogging only adds to the stress.

If I were real-time blogging, in this very space there would be a minute-by-minute account of how I:

• tried to save myself time by printing out my United boarding pass
• discovered that my printer is totally whacked and can only print crookedly
• tried to print to the basement printer instead
• got an error that the printer was "offline"
• tromped down three flights of stairs to investigate
• discovered that husband had unplugged printer from power and router in preparation for dismantling printer stand
• heard "click" sound while reconnecting printer and realized I'd accidentally knocked the button that puts the cable modem on standby
• re-engaged cable modem
• tromped up three flights of stairs
• tried to re-print
• discovered that putting the cable modem on standby—however briefly—totally fucked up the router and the wireless network, knocking all three laptops off the network (not to mention VPN)
• tromped back down three flights of stairs
• re-started cable modem and router/print server
• stomped up to kitchen for nuts to fuel my climb back up stairs
• continued up to top floor
• reconnected to networks and VPN
• re-printed boarding pass, which I will probably leave sitting on the printer in the basement instead of folding neatly into my carry-on bag.

Remember, the goal at the beginning of this scenario was to SAVE MYSELF TIME. God forbid I try to make up the time lost tromping up and down the stairs by MAKING A PACKING LIST or figuring out a minute-by-minute schedule of how I'm going to fix 17 bugs, paint my toenails, shave my legs, and pack my bags. Oh, hey look, my flight tomorrow morning leaves 20 minutes later than I thought. What WILL I do with all that extra time?